Her heart may be imperfect and my heart is breaking

With a visit to the immediate care last night for a baby who had more going on then just cutting teeth, we found out by the Doctor on call that her "heart was dancing" is fancy for "has Doctor ever talked to you about her having a heart murmur?" I said, "No he has never said anything of the sort." She left it at that and told me that her ears were great, her oxygen levels were perfect, and she was going to call it allergies. Back home we came.

This afternoon we went back to the doctor to discuss the "dancing heart" and address the now green yuck that was coating her face. He comes in the room and immediately listens to her heart and indeed hears something that he doesn't think is normal and sends us for an x-ray. We make our way to the lab and the torture chamber created by the devil himself awaits my baby. They take her from me and shut the door, she is screaming her head off and I am standing behind the door trying to remember to breathe, wiping the tears that are now streaming down my face at an uncontrollable rate. I wait!

The door soon opens and my baby is back in my arms where God intended for her to be and we are told to please go have a seat in the waiting room and the Doctor would be with us in a few moments. Moments passed. What seemed to be like years passed. Finally the nurse came out to get us. She put us in a room and closed the door. Ellee laid her head on my shoulder and I sang the song I have sung to my kids since the day they were born:

I love you up to the moon.
I love you big as the sky.
I love to watch you when you sleep.
I love to hold you when you cry
And one day when your older and taller than me
I'll say I watched you grow like a beautiful tree.

I love you up to the moon.
I love you big as the sky.
You'll always be my little girl.
I love you the best that a Mama can,
And one day when they rise up and call me blessed,
I'll say it was a joy to give her my best.

I love you up to the moon.
I love you big as the sky.
I love you UP TO THE MOON.

Tears still stream down my face because my baby may have an imperfect heart and my heart is breaking!

The Doctor walks in with a very perplexed look on his face and proceeds to tell me that while her heart does not appear to be in any immediate danger, he wants her to see a pediatric cardiologist for further evaluation. He then looks at me and says the thing more puzzling to me right now is that this x-ray reveals that she has pneumonia in both of her lungs. He looked at me with a confused look on his face and said, "Never in a million years would I have thought this baby had pneumonia. She has no other signs of it other than these pictures." They checked her oxygen levels which came back awesome, she has no fever, she isn't wheezing, she isn't coughing, she is not lethargic--she is just fussy, which at first I chalked up to it being teeth. But after two days of nothing working it was time forimmediate care.

So tonight I sit at home with my baby wondering why I didn't ask more questions. Why if she has pneumonia in both of her lungs does she not have more signs of it? Why did he not admit her to the hospital? How am I suppose to know if she is better or worse if she has no signs? What am I suppose to think about this rapid heart rate that my baby has beating in her chest and I am told she is not in immediate danger? What is immediate danger? I am her mother and I was supposed to think of all of these questions to ask before I left but couldn't gather my thoughts enough to even function or think about what I needed to ask. I am her mother and my heart is breaking! Why I ask!

So as we make our way through the night I will make my list of questions to ask, so that when they call me first thing in the morning with an appointment to meet with the pediatric cardiologist I can begin finding out my answers.

My babies heart may be imperfect, her lungs full of pneumonia and my heart breaking because there is nothing that I can do about it, but I will will continue to trust in God and know that He knows everything there is to know about my baby--including her heart and lungs. God knows and even though I can't imagine loving her more than I do, or anyone else loving her more than I do....HE DOES and in HIS eyes, she is perfectly and wonderfully made in HIS image and for that I am eternally grateful.

When you were born they put you in my arms and you slipped into my heart and I love you!